Can this be my story? I want to write my way out of all of the blocks and jams I get myself into. I want to write my way into fighting what I believe in. I want to write and write and write until the words flow out of me. Nothing will stop me. I will write my way out.
I’m listening to the Hamilton mixtape while I’m struggling through more assignments. This week I’ve been swamped. I’ve been having a bit of a crisis of faith as well, wondering if after all of my questioning and making decisions about my life that no matter what I do I’m on the wrong path. I want to be on the right path. I don’t want to throw away my shot. I feel like if the path I’m on makes it so that I can write every single day and that I can enjoy what I am doing and be passionate about it- I am on the right path. I’m scared that my anxieties and my impassivity are going to hinder me. My fear of connection is going to hurt my communication skills.
If I just keep pushing, if I just keep writing- I’m sure I can write my out of this darkness that seems to haunt me. Get it out of me. Embrace who I am. Find some confidence and I can tell people- I wrote my way out. I was brave enough and strong enough and talented enough to push and push and finally win.
I know I want to be in the room where it happens. I want to be influential. I want to write.
I want to make something that will outlive me.
I want all these things and I don’t know how to get them. Do I want too much? Is it bad to be ambitious? I feel like I’m not impassioned enough, or strong enough to make these things happen. My ambitions are bigger than I can chew. I’m always choking on my self-worth when I realize that I took on too much.
You know what will really help? If I wrote my assignments instead of blog posts.
Then I could really tell you that I wrote my way out.